I am still a little bit bowled over, and there are things I have been thinking that I forgot to say yesterday.

Firstly, I was floored that Ben actually got some friends and family to be there when he proposed, because one of the silly things I'd told him was that it would be cool to be proposed to in front of friends or parents or something, but I didn't expect him to really do that. And it happening in New Mexico was perfect. Every time I come back here I have mixed feelings; on the one hand, I grew up here, and I miss lots of things about it, but on the other hand, I don't want to move back, to the town or the state, and it grates on me after awhile. I didn't want to get married here, if we did get married. And the reason is that New Mexico feels like the past, and a wedding is about the future. But on the other hand, I have deep roots here. Having our engagement happen here gives me enough connection to here, though, that I feel totally fine getting married somewhere else.

At Starbucks afterwards, either Jeanine or Ben came up with the idea of getting married in Mammoth Lakes, where Ben's dad has a big house. That really appeals to me, because it has beautiful mountains and scenery, but is in California and is convenient for lots of people. And though Ben's family doesn't live there any more, they moved away pretty recently and have connections, so it wouldn't be so horrible planning everything from afar. I know it is easiest to have your wedding in the same place you are planning things from, but Philadelphia and the East Coast don't mean a lot to me, and I'd rather not do it there.

Because Ben told my parents and some of my closest friends before he told me that he wanted to get married, I have had somewhat fewer people to call about it. But I had to tell my bridesmaids (yes, I kind of already knew who it would be) and my dad has been calling relatives all day, both to wish them a Merry Christmas and to tell them about it. I will get to see all my relatives! At the same time! That's exciting; my family is terrible about keeping in touch. And I will have another round of telling people when I visit Berkeley in January and go up to LBL, which will be fun. And again when I get back to Philadelphia. I'm not sure whether or not to announce it to my WoW guild, ha. Maybe.

It makes me really happy that this happened right before Christmas. I am just overflowing with joy this year. We cooked a big dinner with my dad today, with a pork roast, Moroccan sweet potatoes, stuffing, jalapeno corn chowder, salad, biscuits, and apricot cream. And we drove out to my mom's street to look at the farolitos, under a nearly full moon.

Life is amazing! I love you all!

ring, originally uploaded by clevermynnie.

Ben asked me to marry him, and I said yes.

( Read more... )

houses, originally uploaded by clevermynnie.

My my my it’s a beautiful world
I like swimming in the sea
I like to go out beyond the white breakers
Where a man can still be free
(or a woman if you are one)
I like swimming in the sea

I drove up to Providence Friday night, and Steph and I drove to Cape Cod for the day on Saturday. I had heard it was a blast, and I expected to have fun. But I had, seriously, one of the best days ever. It was SO fun. ( Read more... )

I went to Island Beach State Park with Jen and her son today, got a little bit sunburned while reading Harry Potter on the beach, swam in the ocean, and saw something amazing. There were dolphins, at least ten of them, swimming up next to the little boats by the shore. They were friendly and kept surfacing, thwacking their tails into the water, jumping. I was in shock; I'd never seen dolphins in the ocean before, much less to close to me. It must have been unbelievable to be in one of those boats.

Once I got home, I did a lot of laundry and some cooking. I called my dad for father's day and was making bread, but trying to keep some of the lights off as it got dark because it was already so hot from the oven. And as I was in the kitchen changing the oven temperature, I looked outside and dimly saw a huge bug fly up to the window, and then--suddenly!--a flash of green! My mouth fell open and I peered out the window into the dusk in the backyard, and saw lots of them, fireflies, winking on and off. I laughed and watched and nearly cried, it was such a thing of beauty. Spec-tacular.

Did you know that today is the fifth anniversary of the day that I met Ben in person? We had chatted online before, but five years ago today is when we met and first started dating. It's also the anniversary of our first kiss.

We're celebrating it tomorrow, but since it's an odd year I have no idea what we'll be doing. Maybe you remember that last year I planned a weekend for us in Monterey, which was a really great time. I spent a lot of time on it, finding the cheapest nice hotel there, picking a fancy restaurant (which ended up being great), and finding lots of stuff to do, much more than we ended up doing. It's a beautiful area and we had fun. But there was also something kind of strange about that weekend... keep in mind that at the time, I was retaking quantum, less than a month from retaking the physics GRE, and worrying about reapplying to graduate school after getting rejected everywhere. And on top of that, it was looking nigh on impossible for Ben and I to attend the same school for our Ph.D.'s, and we knew it. We talked about it a lot, tearfully and reasonably, and each felt we had done the most we could, but for our relationship to progress, we needed to be actually together. And neither of us wanted to stay apart any longer, though we couldn't bear the idea of breaking up. Things felt desperate, and I was really afraid that I had found the love of my life and I was going to lose him to circumstance.

I felt that whole weekend like I was trying to win Ben over from something, even though he was in the same boat that I was. I wanted everything to go so amazingly well, to prove to the universe that I deserved Ben and could I please finally have him now? Even though everything went off without a hitch, at the end of the weekend I felt desolate, because we had to leave now and did one fantastic weekend bring us any closer to being together? A lot of the weekends we spent together, when the end came and one of us had to leave, I would cry. I loved being with Ben and I never wanted it to stop. And that happened on our anniversary weekend, but it was terrible, it was so much worse. I couldn't stop crying, and it felt like there was a huge hole being ripped inside me, because everything was great, but how was this going to work? We couldn't keep on being apart, but I felt like there was no chance of us ever being together. We got in our separate cars and I sobbed and sobbed, and made Ben drive back up the freeway and hold me again, and he left and I cried more... I knew I had to drive back to Berkeley, but it felt so hopeless. I did it eventually, playing happy music to try to keep myself from crying in the car.

Here we are, a year later. It's our anniversary today, though we're celebrating it tomorrow. I had a lot of class and teaching today, and I was sort of worn out and walking home to have dinner with Ben. And it's so amazing to think, isn't it, that this is the sort of thing I was fighting for, the chance to come home to Ben cooking, to meet him for lunch outside my building, to go grocery shopping together and do chores together and sleep exhausted but together. This is the only anniversary present I want! I daydreamed about it so much, and probably idealized it quite a lot, but you know, it's better than I imagined! It's so wonderful and we're so happy, and I want to scream out that sometimes the world is nothing but joy, and sometimes there are happy endings, and sometimes everything is beautiful and nothing hurts! Sometimes things click and they happen and it all falls into place! Sometimes there is meaning! Sometimes romance persists! Sometimes love comes and fills you and you overflow, forever and ever! Sometimes dreams do come true!

This is one of those moments where you realize the world always has more to show you.

Last night, Ben had made a molasses pie. We had taken the screen out of our kitchen window so that the pie could cool on the windowsill, and as a result of this a rather large bug had flown in and landed on the refrigerator. I noticed it and asked Ben to put it outside, and he was trying to get it onto a paper towel to go out the window. As he was about to touch the bug, and as I was watching closely, there was suddenly a bright flash of green light, and the incandescent bug flew out the window.

I haven't seen fireflies for more than fifteen years, since I lived in Tennessee!

Everything we could remember is taken care of; we signed the apartment lease, set up the utilities, packed what we wanted to take into two backpacks. I'm very, very excited.

:)

We're really going! Have a good month while I'm gone, everybody!

We've been short-distance before, but always for a limited period of time. I always knew in the back of my mind that after some date, we'd become long-distance again and the long-distance was the indefinite part. So it's very... strange to suddenly have none of that. Realize, I've been in a long-distance relationship for four and a half years. And there was an end! The distance ended and the relationship lasted! We did it!

It's like a second honeymoon, or something of that nature, to finally be free of something that's been holding us back for so long. It's the end of an era, the end of so many things, and the beginning of something totally new. I have to admit that I'm a little scared... long distance isn't good, but it's something we're very good at dealing with. We're going into new water here. But it feels so good to be together, finally, permanently. It's hard not to feel so happy that I just keep smiling, and it makes it so much better to see how happy Ben is too. We're silly and cute and mushy and it's great, it feels so simple and carefree. I feel so carefree.

This is a happy ending and a beautiful beginning and the best of all possible outcomes. Thank you world, friends, Ben, self. It finally worked.

Recently juhi shared this quote with me, which I'd forgotten and which I desperately needed last year. Reading it now feels like patting myself on the back... I can't believe I'm getting everything I worked for.

"Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark in the hopeless swaps of the not-quite, the not-yet, and the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish in lonely frustration for the life you deserved and have never been able to reach. The world you desire can be won. It exists.. it is real.. it is possible.. it's yours."

-- Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged

Remember how I didn't get in to Penn?

I did.

I ran into Rich, my ex-physics major advisor, at physics tea Friday. He asked about graduate school and I told him the situation. He said, "So why didn't you come to me and ask me to contact the admissions chair at Penn?" And I was kind of like, "uh, uumm, because I'm afraid to ask people for things?" So I brought him a list of faculty at Penn, and he found some he knew, and e-mailed one saying that he knew this great student who was accepted to x, y, and z but REALLY wanted to go to Penn, and wasn't there anything they could do about that? On Friday afternoon his e-mail was passed along to the admissions chair, and this morning I was admitted.

Holy crap, I knew that things like this happened, but I never thought they would happen to me. It's like winning the lottery!

Of course, it isn't a given that we'll go to Penn... I have to see what kind of money they'll offer me, and whether their visit weekend has already passed or whether they'll pay for me to come out anyway or what. If they don't offer enough money that would seal the deal against them, because Penn is a private school and thus expensive. And I'll have to like the department and the people and the place. But still...... EEEEE!

I am...
Vindicated
I am selfish, I am wrong
I am right, I swear I'm right
Swear I knew it all along

Dear Jessamyn,

Congratulations! I am happy to report that the Admissions Committee has
accepted you for graduate study in the Department of Physics at the
University of Washington. You will shortly receive a letter from the
Physics Department with more details of our offer. You should soon
receive a confirmation of admission from the Dean of the Graduate
School. Your admission to the University of Washington is not official
until you receive this second notification.

We are pleased to offer you the following financial support:

- 3-quarter Teaching Assistantship with a salary of at least $1370/month
for the 2006-07 academic year (9/6/06-6/15/07)

- $2,000 Physics Department Fellowship for the 2006-07 academic year
paid on 10/10/06.

In addition, your support will include a tuition waiver and full health
insurance. More information about this support will be included with our
acceptance letter.

Once again, congratulations! We do hope you will choose to pursue your
graduate studies at the University of Washington.

Sincerely,

Simon Reeve-Parker
Graduate Advisor, Physics

There's something to be said for all those saying about how you don't feel the highs as much without the lows, how joy is twice is sweets when you've known sorrow, etc. etc.

For one thing, it really applies to the student lifestyle. There's the rush you get when you get a good grade on a test you aced or an essay you slaved over or a lab you spent days puzzling out, the feeling of accomplishment when you get through a hard semester, and the sensation I love of continual learning, putting piece after piece together and learning, more quickly than you'd think possible. And that builds on the late-night sessions, the slaving over everything, the rushing, the pressure, the lack of sleep, that horrible sinking feeling when you've had a hard time in an exam, or you're turning in a project that you know isn't your best work. It makes the feats you manage seem more real, more wrung out of your flesh and bone and abused grey matter.

The same thing is true of long-distance relationships, I think. There's a lot more hardship, a lot more loneliness, and a lot more arguments than you'd get having the same relationship the normal way. But the time together feels so sweet, and you get this sense of pride if you can keep it together, and you can get such high thrills seeing someone you care so much about when you've been missing them so deeply.

It's always like that when I fly into LAX, which will always be the most beautiful airport in the world in my eyes. When I flew down last Thursday, I hadn't been since June (because of Ben living in the Bay Area for the summer, my conference, us meeting in Mammoth for Thanksgiving), so it was a little like seeing an old friend. I usually fly in at night, and it was familiar and wonderful to see the luminous city spread out before me, so large and beautiful, lines of the sea and mountains and highways visible. My excitement always rises as we go down to land, flying next to the glittering black high-rises near the airport, setting down and thinking how Ben's feet are on the same ground less than a mile from where I am. And coming out of the terminal and seeing him... it's so intense, the joy you feel.

And then flying out, midday Tuesday, in the flat noon light with a faint haze spreading over the city, feeling the familiar loneliness come seeping back in, coalescing in my limbs and sinking to the bottom of my stomach. This is half of why my hopes are so high for graduate school.

a big thanks to everyone who wrote me, or called, or sent e-cards, or sent real cards, or sang to me, or came to Jupiter to help me celebrate, or paid some of my tab at Jupiter, or convinced the waitress I needed free beer, or was nice to me, or even just thought about me on my birthday. :)

it was cool that while this birthday incorporated several things not previously seen on my birthday--having a cold, having a midterm, giving a talk to my boss, and legalized drinking, to name a few--it was still a really good day that primarily consisted of people being nice to me. the midterm went well, and I felt so much calmer about it than any of my 137A exams this summer. and the talk went well too... I'm excited about that.

love to you guys. :)

really sweet thing that Jeanine sent that you don't have to read:

( 21 things )

here's to great friends. you guys rock. :)

It's worth recording that last Wednesday, August 24th, was the best day I'd had in a very, very long time. Important parts are in bold, if you want highlights.

I got up somewhat early to get ready for a trip with my dad to Nambe Lake, a serene lake near the Santa Fe ski area. I checked my e-mail and found a note from my quantum mechanics GSI, telling me that I got an A in quantum. :) I was so relieved and happy, and it's great impetus to do well this fall. I e-mailed Ben about it, not sure if he was up yet, and Ben called me to tell me how proud he was, which was so sweet and made me so happy. Then my dad and I hiked up to Nambe Lake, a quiet, beautiful, high-altitude hike of the kind I never get to do anymore. We had bltt (the second t is for tuna) sandwiches at the lake, after a steep ascent, when suddenly my cell phone rang. I was surprised, having brought it along as a safety measure but never actually expecting to get signal, and answered, and lo and behold it was Chih, telling me ecstatically that she got into design school and was starting Monday (today). My signal or hers cut out pretty soon after that, but it's basically the awesomest thing I could have wished for for her, and it's just really exciting and fantastic. :) I found out the following day that around that time, Steph interviewed for and got a job in the flow cytometry group in B division at LANL, which is the exciting new thing that she'd wanted really badly. And that evening when my dad and I got back, I had a really good time talking to Kay, his girlfriend, who is really nice and wonderful but frequently hard to talk to, so I was really happy about that.

I see it as an overflow of good karma for me and the people I care about, looooong overdue. Did anyone else have cool things happen last Wednesday? :)

Sheer awesomeness: Studying quantum mechanics while your awesome boyfriend makes bruschetta from the heirloom tomatoes you got on a sunny walk to the farmer's market. :) It smells so good that it makes me love physics.

I also got a new phone! I will have to post a picture of my new phone next to my old phone. I always say that in cell phone years, my old phone is from the cretaceous period. I am not sorry to see it and its gigantic, prehistoric functions go. Maybe now Daria won't just point and laugh for minutes on end. :P